YOU JUST CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP!!

Looking for a cartoonist to work with me

2005-12-17T21:31:00.000-08:00

I think I have some great ideas for cartoons but can't draw at all.

Looking for someone who has great technique for expressing situations in comic format and who might value a collaborative effort.

Solumbra Medical Devices

2005-09-08T21:29:00.000-07:00

In preparation for a SCUBA diving trip to Indonesia, I bought myself a big staw hat.... quite a nice one with a nice shape to it, as straw hats go.

This is not just any hat. This is a medical device! Part of a line of "30+ SPF Sun Protective Clothing.

No wonder it costs $57.95 plus tax.

You may have noticed it's been awhile since I last posted here.

It took Solumbra to shake me from my almost year long hybernation....

You see, when I buy something, I enjoy reading about my purchase to find out how smart I am to have picked what it is that I picked.

This hat has a label that touts this hat's protective ability versus other things I always thought gave me total sun protection... like a polo shirt for example. Turns out this hat is 4x better.

Anyway, all was well until I read the following under the Headline CUSTOMER SATISFACTION AND USE.

Let me quote here, " Solubra clothing should protect you from acute sun-induced skin damage, but it cannot reverse the damage already done to your skin from overexposure."

You just can't make this shit up!!

Are their lawyers really worried that someone thinks they are buying a "magic" hat.

Lady Bug, Lady Bug, Fly away home

2004-10-28T10:36:00.000-07:00

This morning my soon to be 4 year old daughter proudly brought me some examples of her art work. ..... a page filled with Lady Bugs. I was quite impressed and told her so.

" Katy" I said, "That is wonderful work. I would have expected it from a six year old but not a girl your age."

Katy looked at me proudly as my wife looked up and pointed to herself indicating that she, not Katy, did the drawings.

Somehow, she missed the humor and I decided post rather than laugh.

Laughs for Lawyers

2004-10-20T06:28:00.000-07:00

WARNING

While anyone will find this funny (in the right mood), trial lawyers may wet their pants.

Thank Heaven for little girls

2004-10-18T22:17:00.000-07:00

Thank heaven for little girls for little girls get bigger every day!
Thank heaven for little girls they grow up in the most delightful way!
Those little eyes so helpless and appealing one day will flash and send you crashin'
thru the ceilin'
Thank heaven for little girls thank heaven for them all, no
matter where no matter who
for without them, what would little boys do?
Thank heaven... thank heaven...Thank heaven for little girls!

His heavy French accent, his melodic voice and his charm made Maurice Chevalier the prototype of the galant French monsieur in the American cinema of the thirties.

1958 ------- > 2004

These are only pictures of the "high risk" sex offenders, not all of the registered sex offenders.

San Diego County Sheriff's Office now lists their "High Risk Sex Offenders" (multiple sex convictions) on the Internet for public viewing.

Harsh Tactics?

2004-10-17T07:54:00.000-07:00

David Sheffer, a senior State Department human rights official in the Clinton
administration who teaches law at George Washington University, said the
procedure of shackling prisoners to the floor in a state of undress while
playing loud music - the Guantánamo sources said it included the bands Limp
Bizkit and Rage Against the Machine, and the rapper Eminem - and lights clearly
constituted torture. "I don't think there's any question that treatment of that
character satisfies the severe pain and suffering requirement, be it physical or
mental, that is provided for in the Convention Against Torture,'' Mr. Sheffer
said.

Kill the lights and many teens would consider this a good date.

Apple vs. Microsoft

2004-10-13T13:11:00.000-07:00

I know feelings run deep here but I had no idea how deep.

I just received an e-mail from one of my friends in the Apple Camp passing along two not very flattering clips of Steve Ballmer addressing the Microsoft troops.

But the way they then edited them together into a fantasy IPOD ad is wonderful to behold.

Enjoy all three.....

BlogImplosion

2004-10-12T20:45:00.000-07:00

I am thinking of ways to get even with those Blogexplosion people who as you may already know, banned me (for the time being) from their program.

Perhaps I will come out with a competitive product - a Blogimplosion cannibalizing product that will essentially suck all links out of boring blogs leaving them quarantined in cyber space, alone and forever unread.

That should eliminate 87% of their business.

Banned by BlogExplosion

2004-10-12T20:26:00.000-07:00

Since I basically am following in Anita's Footsteps, I submitted an application to Blog Explosion so I could get trial readership just like she is getting.... but alas, it is not to be.

I received the following e-mail from them today:

We have reviewed your blog and due to excessive profanity cannot be accepted at
this time. Our apologies
Sincerly,
BlogExplosion Team
http://www.blogexplosion.com/
Contact
us here:
http://www.blogexplosion.com/contact/
So the team met and decided that I was profane.
I guess I can live with that decision. But it hurts.
Still, I live in hope. It was not a flat rejection. Just "at this time"
Perhaps someday, shit will not be consider a profane word, the status it enjoyed for many centuries in England..... before those fucking pilgrims got a hold of things..
Bastards....

Gag me with a large wooden spoon!

2004-10-12T08:01:00.000-07:00

4 Steps to Filling the Seats at Your Next Client Event

This news letter is designed to give financial advisors help in building their business.

I was taken with the phony ticket scam to create perceived value.

Way to build a trusting relationship with your most valuable clients... you go guys!

Manifesting your life

2004-10-11T14:04:00.000-07:00

So I am feeling a little badly about my post on bad elderly drivers because it not funny and not "on topic" ; i.e., shit so unusual, you just can't make it up.

It really does not belong here.

But since this is my only creative outlet, and I am passionate about grounding the geezers, I let it slide.

So you can image my sense of wonder when, on the way to work today, I spy a 91 year old client of mine (who I strongly suspect would fail the test I am pushing for) driving along at about 5 MPH looking quite distressed. I am waiting to pull out on the street from an ally and watch patiently as he goes by and takes a U turn right in front of me.

Right behind him is a motorcycle police officer, who proceeds to dismount and approach my client who is now pulled over on the side of the road.

The officer sees me watching and waves me to proceed as he asks my client for his license and registration.

I roll down my window. " Hi Nick " I greet my client for whom I have a genuine respect and affection.

" He is a good guy, officer", I add.

The officer nods his acknowledgement of my comment and I drive on to work.

I ask you. Coincidence or manifestation?

Are the odds of this happening more likely then that this is true?

Either way, you just can't make this shit up.

Drivers, who no longer should

2004-10-11T05:33:00.000-07:00

I think everyone can agree that as we grow older, things start to come apart both mentally and physically.

Not true for every single person but in general this is undeniable.

It is also the case that driving a 3,000 pound SUV or car requires some minimal level of vision, hand/eye coordination, reaction time, and judgment.

In the hands of persons lacking in one or more of these requirements, the vehicle can become a deadly weapon.

So why don't we have a systematic method for weeding out dangerous drivers who have lost their ability to drive safely?

It is not that hard.

Starting a 60, have them come into DMV and sit in a simulator that will objectively measure their driving performance.

Like a video game with a steering wheel and two pedals for braking and acceleration.

Let the geezer get use to the situation for a few minutes and then .....Start measuring.

It you pass and the vast majority will, off you go until your 65, then 70, 72,74,76,77,78,etc.

If you fail you can try again another day...Once.

If you fail again, your done! Turn in your keys. Hire a driver. Impose on your kids. Take a bus or a cab.

I know this will create social issues that need to be addressed. Address them.

Just please get these "dievers" off the road.

Proper Gum Care

2004-10-07T07:51:00.000-07:00

Trust me.

There will come a time in your dental life where concern for teeth is trumped by gum worries.

Yesterday's visit to my wonderful hygenist was typical of my 4x per year appointment:

Inspection
Charting ( 4 on #19 lingual, bleeder)
Cleaning
Polishing
Advice

The advice I am sure is sound....

Brush with Sonicare 4 minutes
Clean with WaterPik 2 minutes
Floss 1 minute
xmas tree Proxabrush 1 minute
wood Stim-U-Dents 1 minute

Who has 10 minute a day to spend on their gums??

I don't believe I get to talk to my wife for that long .....except on date night.

Has anyone added up the total time it takes to do everything right in your life??

I bet not.......Who would have the time to do that??

Password Protection, my ass

2004-10-07T06:10:00.000-07:00

What the hell is going on in the arcane world of password protection?

Use to be I could remember my password and no one could ever guess it.

Then came the " new password " regime that insists I change my password every month or two. Can't reuse old passwords either.

Then each department figures that you needed a unique password to access their stuff.
I am now beyond my memory limits so I assign my password management to my assistant who prompts me from a ( hopefully secret) file.

Now the folks in password protection have gotten very particular about what passwords are acceptable. Must be 7 or 8 characters. Must have CAPITAL and small letters and some use of numbers.

Here is one that I find I can remember:

Fuckyou2

Goat Boy

2004-10-05T14:50:00.000-07:00

With all the fixing up we have been doing on our house , it is a blessing that we have connected with a handyman who does wonderful work at reasonable prices.

One of our very best friends shared him with us.

She did warn us that he came off as a bit eccentric in no small part due to his unusual laugh .

While my wife and I were prepared, we forgot to tip off our six year old.

In the middle of our first meeting, J lets out a raucous guffaw.

I hear my son from the other room approaching,

" What was that noise?"

I sus out the situation and intercept him in the hallway as he exclaims,

" What is going on here?
Is everyone turning into a goat or what?"

Oops!

Paying back the House

2004-10-05T13:47:00.000-07:00

I read somewhere that you should expect to spend 1% of the value of you house every year on maintainance. And if you miss a year, it carries forward so you get to spend 2% the next year.

Not sure if that is based on original or replacement value but I figure I owe mine somewhere between $60,000 and $120,000, and that does not include back interest.

For reasons that are a bit hazy to me, my wife has become the agent for our house, demanding and receiving substantial sums that apparently are in arrears.

Did you know this is no longer considered spending ?

It is now Investing in your house.

Mexed Missages

2004-10-03T07:51:00.000-07:00

Let me start by saying I will be voting for Bush.

But I can sure understand why his opponents think he is "slow"

You can't get in front of xxx million people and suggest that your opponent will not be an effective leader because he gives out Mexed Missages.

YOU JUST CAN'T DO IT!

If I did not value humor more than politics, I would be crying instead of laughing.

A New Theory on Management Competency

2004-09-27T10:47:00.000-07:00

I think I have noticed a truth about business.

The worse the margins, the better the management process.

Reason?

If you mess up in a low margin business your out of business.

If you mess up in a high margin business, you can recover.

So, for example, only the fit survive in the restaurant business.

The rest go into financial services. And spend their careers making my life a living hell !

THE MATRIX

________________________________________________________________

--------------------------Competent---------------- Incompetent ---------

--Bright --------------(entrepreneurs) --------------(financial services)

--Slow ------------------(restaurants)------------------- (Prison)

__________________________________________________________________

You can't deft the Laws of Physics

2004-09-26T16:21:00.000-07:00

Note from Fugnutz:

While this shit is for real it did not happen to me but to Anita of Fighting Inertia . You can find this story (as well as others that I loved reading) on her blog....

My children had the brilliant idea of making hackey sacks today. A hackey sack is a little sack filled with some soft, squishy material that kids like to try to keep in the air using only their feet. I'm not really sure I understand the appeal of this toy, but my boys think it's awesome.

They came up with a plan that they would fill balloons with flour to create this ingenious toy.

Somehow, I knew this would be a bad idea, but they seemed so excited with the whole thought that I couldn't bring myself say no.

After attempting to fill the balloons using a teaspoon and spilling about 3 full cups of flour all over the floor, my older son came up with the great idea of using a funnel. He fills the balloon with the flour using the funnel. But the balloon wouldn't expand at all. It just looked like a little limp bag. My son wanted a rounded, ball shape.

Mommy to the rescue!

I come up with the brilliant idea of blowing up the balloon a little bit and then placing the end of the balloon onto the bottom of the funnel. In my mind (and only there I might add), this would create more room for the flour to go into. If you are more intelligent than I (which you probably are), you know what happened next.

The funnel is filled with flour. I am holding it between my knees, leaning over it with my face, and attempting to put the inflated balloon on the small end. Ah triumph. I get the balloon around the small end of the funnel, and . . . . .

The rather large quantity of flour in the funnel EXPLODES into my face, eyes, hair, and pretty much covers me entirely from head to toe. I look like a rather large version of Casper the Friendly Ghost. My kids thought this was hysterical. Far, far better than playing with a little old hackey sack.

This is why I am a housewife and not a rocket scientist.

Notary Knot

2004-09-23T16:28:00.000-07:00

Received today at 11:20 am via e-mail from Mary:

These good guidelines apply for each of our notaries
public:

Notary Services

Hi everyone,
I am more than happy to notarize documents for your clients, however, could you please comply with the following guidelines out of courtesy to me as well as the brokers I work for. I don't mind being called away from my desk now & then but it does add up considering our large office & has become rather unfair to my FA's and our clients:

Make an appointment in advance, especially when you know your
client will be coming in. I know they may pop in unannounced at times, but
they really shouldn't.

Please have me come by when you are ready for your
client to sign & for me to stamp the document. I don't need to be present
for the client's proofreading or interpretation of documents.

The client must be present & sign in person in front of me. Otherwise it is illegal.

Received today at 4:28 pm via e-mail this short one-liner from Mary:

Sorry for the confusion - I am not a notary public.
.
.
.
I can see how folks might go wrong!!!

Mine Hair

2004-09-23T15:30:00.000-07:00

I am not sure what is up but our almost four year old girl is stuck on the word "mine" in place of me.

"Daddy, look at mine fingers.

Mommy, do I need to finish mine vegetables?

Would you please brush mine hair?"

This has got to be a genetic glitch as both her twin and older brothers both get it right.

She is quite bright in all other ways and it is very cute but enough is enough already.

I worry:

"Mine country tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.
Land where mine fathers died, Land of the pilgrims pride
From every mountain side, Let freedom ring"
It sounds un-American.

I am thinking perhaps it is my wife's fault.

She is of German extraction you know.

Meatballs and spaghetti - Part II

2004-09-23T08:28:00.000-07:00

For Part I

During the late 70's, there was a dramatic change in how the world looked at advertising claims.

Before that time, the lawyers would look at advertising and make some allowances for certain shall we say " exaggerations". I think the term of art was "puff".

So Minute Rice was billed as " Perfect Rice every time".

First of all, Minute rice takes multiples minutes to make. It should be called Minutes Rice.

And is it " perfect every time " ? Perfectly awful is more like it.

You get the idea. Standards for truthfulness in advertising have evolved over time and this was a time of change.

Advertisers were being held to a new standard. When they said things about their product, it had to be true at least in some defensible sense of the word.

So corporations developed " Claims review boards" that would screen all copy for claims and insure that anything being asserted was supportable by documented fact or market research.

As you might guess, the law department had a representative on this board.

Time has obliterated his name from my memory but not his credentials.

Harvard undergrad and Harvard law school. So for the purpose of this story, he will be Harvy Harvard.

I suppose it is only fair to state that the "truth in advertising " notion was new stuff at the time and we were all learning together. There was some healthy tension between the advertising folks and their clients around the question of what constituted a claim and what would be an appropriate level of support to permit a move forward in the process.

In the case of Meatmates, Harv wanted us to prove that cornbeef and cabbage go together and further, he thought we needed to document that spaghetti and meatballs are similarly connected.

Time has softened my view of Mr. Harvard.

I see him now in a much more sympathetic light -- an overqualified, perhaps troubled individual who, bored to death by his job, had long ago shut down his cognition and was blissing out at a high rate of pay.

But back then, I lacked the subtle assessment tools I have at my disposal today

He was an idiot!!!

And this was my chance to take him out.

I crafted a most wonderful memo pointing out how Cornbeef and Cabbage going together is the premise of the argument. If that is not evident, the commercial makes no sense. How can it be a claim?

Further I argued, I fancy my chances of being able to prove that they do go together but I questioned the wisdom of spending G.F profits to do so.

After all, who is going to come after us on this? The powerful " Meatballs and Mashed Potato" lobby or the " Cabbage -a stand-alone winner" antidefamation league?

Come on Harvard. Use your head.

I won that battle.

But Meatmates died on the drawing boards for other reasons.

And I am no long a G.F. employee.

Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Do meat balls and spaghetti go together??

2004-09-22T10:41:00.000-07:00

Many years ago now, before I was a portfolio manager, I was in charge of new product development for General Foods ( now part of Kraft who are part of Phillip Moris who have renamed themselves Altria to avoid being known -sort of like Corporate witness protection.

But I digress....

Back in those days General Foods and Proctor & Gamble were the contenders for the title of king of the hill in package goods marketing so the job of Development Manger of their Main Meal division was decent.

Included in my responsibility was the development of new brands for Birdseye Frozen Vegetables ... of peas and perl onion fame among others.

Right. New vegetables. You must have God on your technical team.

No... not required. A new vegetable turns out to be a recombination of the ones we know and hate in a sauce that makes us forget how much.

On with the story....

It all started with a powerful insight provided by market research. Women (forgive the generalization .... I am old enough to know better and not care) usually start planning the main meal around the meat.

Her: What shall I make for dinner tonight?? Pork chops?? yea.. Pan
fried pork chops.

What shall I serve with it?

How about carrots in a candy-apple sauce? With some
herbal Minute Rice mix. Yes, that's the ticket

Anyway, that was the assumption that lead us to invent:

MEAT MATES

VEGETABLE COMBINATIONS ESPECIALLY
DESIGNED TO MATE YOUR MEAT

You get the idea... one for beef, one for pork, one for chicken, one for fish, etc.

I think Y&R was the agency but it might have been B&B or Grey but the T.V. copy went something like this only much better:

Birdseye Vegetable proudly introduces Meatmates, special
combinations of vegetables and sauces especially designed to mate your meat.

Like cornbeef and cabbage go together; like meatballs and
spaghetti go together, that's the way these wonderful new combinations from Birdseye will mate your meat. Bla, Bla, Bla( product description)

Your probably asking yourself , why is he telling me all this? Where is this all going? I could make this shit up.

I agree you could. But tomorrow, I will tell you the part you could not make up in your wildest corporate dreams if your inclined to have those type... which is a problem you might deal with soon........ I hope......... for your sake.

Last Laugh

2004-09-21T11:12:00.000-07:00

My wife and I experience the same event differently on a regular basis. This is because we are very different from each other on most all measurable dimensions. This can be either frustrating or amusing depending on your mood and degree of reflectivity.

Take yesterday for example. My wife is the handy one in the house. Her Dad was an engineer/builder. Her Mom ran rental property for years and fixed most anything herself.

My wife likes to tinker around the house and most often does it well.

My Dad was a lawyer from NYC. I grew up in apartments. I have little skill and less interest in home improvement.

I tell you this to help you understand why our conversation of yesterday took place.

Me: I see you put a new toilet seat in the kids' bathroom . Looks nice but it's not working.

Her: How is that?

Me: The lid stays up but the seat refuses to

Her: I use it sitting down....not a problem ( sly smile)

Me: Silence

thinking.....

Not my bathroom
Seat is blue see through plastic with captured air bubbles that make it impossible to detect droplets of moisture on the seat
My six year old and three year old boys are the primary users of the toilet. Their aim is improving but not yet 100%

Me: Whatever hon. (evil grin)

Hail to the Chief

2004-09-20T15:53:00.000-07:00

I work as a retail stock broker in a California branch of a substantial wirehouse (Like Smith Barney but not Smith Barney). A few years ago, I worked along side a 6 foot +++ 240 pound +++ broker, of American Indian decent. I think his name was Frank but it really doesn't matter because we all called him " The Chief ".

The chief was not very successful as brokers were measured back then ...By the amount of revenue they produced.

The Chief was big and quiet with eyes that told you there was a lot going on inside his head that you would never learn about. He was originally from the Midwest and moved to California to escape a bad marriage.

He and I were not close but not distant either. Sort of collegial in an unprofessional sort of way.

So I was not the first to hear that Chief had a problem with alcohol. He became a binge drinker who reached the point of incapacitation and stayed there for days at a time.

This did not help him build his business.

There came a time when those who were close to him, got him to check into Betty Ford.

He would come out and stay sober for days or even weeks at a time but eventually, he would find his way back.

After a few iterations of this cycle, he came back to find that he no longer had a job and his clients, who were being tended by his broker friends during his many absences, were permanently reassigned .

The chief was very pissed off at the manager for taking this action and he yearned for a way to get even.

I advise you, if you ever run into The Chief, make an effort to stay on his good side.

He is a formidable adversary, drunk or sober.

You see, the manager Bill Farky (ficticious) ran a daily newsletter which he published to the brokers and staff of his branch. The name of the letter was not Farky's Malarky but it would have been if his name was Farky.

As best I could tell, the main purpose of this letter was to get the brokers to feel insecure about their level of production by touting the achievements of the more successful brokers. But of course, to encourage readership, it contained some editorial content.

The vast majority of the time, this was pure pablum... A sickening gruel of reworked aphorisms whose main attraction was to argue about their "gag" rating on a scale of 1-10. I never saw anything less than a 7.

However, for some reason that may never be known, one fateful morning, Bill Farky wrote something original.

It seems, Bill was angry over the seeming contradiction between what a CFO had said in some press release and the eventual earning disappointment that followed days later when his company issued their quarterly earnings. Either Farky lost money or one of his big clients did cuz he was hot.

He accused the CFO of telling untruths. Actually, he called him a liar. In print.

Well, no one thought much of it at the time but the Chief must have saved a copy of that newsletter and when he was canned, in a fit of Indian revenge worthy of his most savage forefathers, he sent the document to the CFO.

Well, my more experienced corporate readers know the end of this story just like a great bowler can anticipate a strike on basis of the delivery of the ball.

The CFO was not amused to receive a copy of a newsletter from his investment bankers' firm calling him a liar. He forwarded it to the CEO of our firm who was not amused either. He passed it along to the President of Private Wealth Management, who then shoved it far up the ass of the National Sales manager who I am sure had a most reasonable conversation with poor Farky about his judgment. I wish I could give you more color. I would pay good money to have heard it but I will have to leave it to your imagination.

Farky is now a broker at my firm and we have a new manager. He does not use newsletters. He will not even open his mouth in front of witnesses.

And what happened to The Chief? I don't know and now that I have written this piece, I don't want to find out.